ghosts in my bones

I started a photoblog of random shit I find/ my day to day life. Bookmark this link and check often.

www.tellmehowyoureallyfail.blogspot.com

Here's what's been going on:

Tons of hang outs.
Went to This is hardcore fest.
Working at a Social Networking and Mobile Media company.
School got fucked up and I can't go this semester.
I did background work for a Drew Barrymore movie.
Straight Edge.

I live in New York City, it rules. Every day I take the subway and hang in parks and hang with friends. I'm glad I left California.


PS- apparently Danny and Sarah are the only people that still use LJ because I checked my friends page and that's all I saw. So…hi Danny, hi Sarah.

In four days I will be leaving California. I am going to be driving across the country with my friend James. We are going to be stopping in Las Vegas, The Grand Canyon, Denver, Devil's Tower, Mt. Rushmore, The Corn Palace in Mitchell, SD, Chicago, Cedar Point Park, West Virginia, Washington DC, RI, and finally my new home, New York City.

Follow me on twitter for updates on funny shit or whatever from the trip.

www.twitter.com/chadxmerch

3 billion human lives ended on August 29th, 1997. The survivors of the nuclear fire called the war Judgment Day. They lived only to face a new nightmare: the war against the machines. The computer which controlled the machines, Skynet, sent two Terminators back through time. Their mission: to destroy the leader of the human resistance, John Connor, my son. The first Terminator was programmed to strike at me in the year 1984, before John was born. It failed. The second was set to strike at John himself when he was still a child. As before, the resistance was able to send a lone warrior, a protector for John. It was just a question of which one of them would reach him first.

I've made some mistakes in my life. I can't wait for this summer to come so I can start fresh and get the fuck away from the west coast. My life has never been so shitty.

I have decided what I want to do with my life. It's not the most chosen path or whatever but it is the path I have decided to take. I am going to follow a life long dream of mine and I am studying to become an actor. I am very excited about my acting class and I don't think I have been so motivated about something ever. So tell me I'm dumb or childish for doing what I want to do, but in the end I know that I will finally be happy. I know I can do this, it's not just wishful thinking, I'm just being honest with myself and if I didn't have my dreams or my goals then I wouldn't have much.

I start back up tomorrow after not doing shit for a semester. I'm pumped on my classes. I can't wait for the GI bill to kick in because I am still working at the porn store and I will be making crazy money. I am excited to pay shit off and save. By the end of the year I will be in NY.

My classes this semester:

Intro to drama
Speech
Acting
Stage props and lighting

Awesome.

Christmas with charley and her family in Fresno ruled.

New years eve was shitty but 2008 is finally over.

I'm going to go back to school and I am changing my major to acting.

My goal is to write a pilot or short film about working in a porn store.

I'm tired.

I havent posted in this forever.

I've made some people feel great. Ive made some people feel horrible.
I still feel the same: horrible.

I still work at the porn store, dealing with the lowest life forms known.

I never get enough sleep, and when I do I am still tired.

Around 5 hours of sleep per day and then on fridays and Saturdays I'm out for 11 hours and wake up feeling like shit.

I look like a man who has let himself go in a world of no sleep and no care. Paler skin, long hair, beard, bags around the eyes. Like some sort of modern day caveman but without the glory of inventing the wheel.





(And its sometimes like it will never end.)

it seems like everything falls apart just as its all coming together.

theres nothing worse than having ahorrible night of sleep coupled with bizzare dreams. I just woke up from the worst 5 hours of sleep, 6am-11am. These are the kind of nights I have on a regular occasion. And by nights I guess I mean days. I was having all sorts of fucked up dreams where I was stuck in an alternate universe which closely resembled ours only with slight differences. One of these differences is that in my dream I woke up and some one had drugged me so I was swinging a parking cone at one of those wet floor signs. When I asked anyone if they drugged me they said no. This made me think maybe I was moving awkward because re real me was trying to control the alternate me like a puppet. That's why I walked weird. There was a lot more to the dream but I still feel like I havent slept.

Wow.

Fuck. I'm in a shitty situation...at the end of my ropes. I'm about to be homeless in a few days. I'm trying to get caught up on bills. My throat hurts from waking up and going straight to practice and not letting my vocal chords warm up. I feel like half a person all the time. I only sleep during the bright/warm days. I wish I had someone I could just hang out with and talk about this shit. Someone to vent to...not through text messages, not through phone calls or AIM or any other means, someone I relate to and can talk about this shit with...like Wes.

On the up side, we got asked to do another Euro Tour.

I've left myself for dead
burried but breathing
and I have no regrets

I have lied
I will lie
I always lie

But only to myself

The rains, the hate, the lies, the shames.
No one else to blame.

Stranded on the corner of could have and should have.
I wish I would have
left a while ago.

Sorry to inform you... but it is what it is.

The rebel yell, the walk of fame, the highest standards, the shames.

So I will stand
all alone
my hands are freezing
the world is cold.

I hold my breath
is it too late?
Another day
in this shallow grave.

The empty promises, the holes we dig, the beating drum, the shames.
Still no one else to blame.

I got a job working for a porn store.

We are at the show right now and we go on after Maintain. Tonight we are driving to the airport and chilling there for hours and hours. I will be back in CA at 4:30 tomorrow afternoon.

This shit has been crazy. Kids in most of the cities know our songs already, we've been selling merch each night, and overall have been having a great time. I have been keeping a written tour journal and I will be copying all that down and putting it in zine form when I get home. I have also been keeping a record of each show how I normally do on the MP Blog and when I get home I will copy all of that to that site. I just don't have the time or patience to do that now so I will give a brief re-cap of how things have gone down.

-first show was insane- stage dives, sing alongs, bigger reaction than some hometown shows.

-most drives turn from 3-4 hours into 7-8.

-we have had a few drives over 12 hours long.

-a lot of girls don't wear tops to the beaches in Nice, France.

-Mike got pissed on by a cat in his sleep.

-I sleep in the van almost every night.

-Pat will probably kill mike and wade before we get home.

-In Broye Les Pesmes, France we played the most ignorant set ever and 15 year olds were drinking.

-We walked in a castle this morning.

-Food out here sucks.

-People like soulfly here.

-We talk all sorts of shit in either french, english or german to people.

-The shit we talk usually revolves around saying blowjob in different languages.

-We have covered Leeway a few times.

-AYS rules.

So yeah, I'll update this more when we get home. The Keyboards here are whack.



No Rules. No Peace. No Hope. No Rest.

www.longlivemasterpiece.blogspot.com

in something around 9 hours I am leaving for tour to Europe. We are flying out of LA to Frankfurt, Germany. One of the euros that is picking us up sent me a message in some wild style broken English that said some shit about us either staying at his grandmothers or some random house that has been empty for 3 weeks, awesome. I like how I just spent the last 3 days printing shirts, making euro tour covers, tour laminates, whatever. No big deal, but not even today did I get to rest before I fly out. Now its almost 4 am and I just now settled down, kind of. No rest. Everyone in MP spent today packing and chilling, I haven't even packed yet.

Its crazy to think that I am flying to other side of the world because people want to see my band play for some reason, I just don't get it. I wish we had gwar costumes for tour. I am broke as shit, I have lost 25 pounds in the last 2 months. 4 of those were in the last 2 weeks. I am sure by the time I get back from Europe I will weigh around 150, which would be a loss of 10lbs. Its crazy that I weigh 160 now because I haven't been that weight in like 4 years.

I can only imagine that we are going to do some ignorant shit in Europe.

No rules.
No peace.
No hope.
No rest.

so much has been going on. I haven't been alone except for showering in 2 weeks. I had 2 friends on a road trip stay over, 2 Australians, Lauren and my cousin all over for various amounts of time and luke some nights. Even when I sleep someone is on my floor or an airbed.

Sound and fury happened. My legs are thrashed, my left thigh is nothing but the worst bruise I have had ever from top to bottom.

I wish lauren didnt have to leave, she is one of my best friends ever.

Its crazy to think that in less than a week I will be on tour with masterpiece in Europe, what the fuck?

Tonight as I looked at photos of my family reunion from this year, I realized that only a very small handful of faces looked familiar. You always hear about that uncle or cousin who lives far off and you think that it would be cool to meet them, I am him. Another thing is the fact that I didn't even get invited to my own family reunion, not that I would have been able to go, but still. Sometimes it feels that I have made the choice to abandon my family, I live in my own world with my own troubles and my own adventures, all of which they hardly know about. Friends of mine actually see their family from time to time, I maybe see my family once every year or two. I saw photos of my step-sister's kids, she has two of them now. I haven't even seen her in seven to eight years, but seeing her kids for the first time, considering they look like they are around four and five, is mind blowing. When I am going through tough times (which seems more often then not these days) I wish I could reach out to my family because it feels like I have no one else to turn to, but I don't. All because I feel like I am no longer on that kind of level. I have become disconnected. Even seeing a photograph of my Father was strange when my Mother recently put the photo up on her myspace of my Dad getting me ready for Halloween. It is strange because not only has he been gone from my life since I was three, victim to heart failure, but I haven't even seen a photograph of him in seven years or more. All articles that prove I existed as a child are void from my life. If I were to vanish today and someone went through all my personal belongings, they would find one photo printed on regular computer paper of me as a child at my Aunt Becky's wedding. Sometimes I wonder if my distant family even remember if I exist. I'm not talking about the usual usuals, but second cousins and people like that. Am I just the child who grew up and never fit in? The boy who moved away and went to war? Or am I just the cousin/uncle/brother/son/nephew who is the distant relative in California?